created on 5/28/20recent activity
my head hurts. a lot of things do. don't be concerned, you don't know me. chances are you never will. if I am able to spew out the contents that is trapped in my brain on this website, that would help. but I don't know if I will be able to. I'm just bored, and I want something to keep me distracted.
I'm in quarantine, I need something to do, even if no one sees this. yknow, it would be cool if someone other than a few of my friends did, but i think it's best to keep this to ourselves.
i just.. there is SO much I could go over, what I am currently going through anyway. i feel sick. physically and mentally sick as of writing this. i dont want to sound like the stereotypical edgy teen but.. yeah.
oh uh, hey. it's midnight, almost 1 AM, and I need to get off my laptop. but I am hella bored. like.. super bored. I dread going to bed for many reasons, mainly because I can't sleep at all.
yknow it sucks a lot. maybe I shouldn't be saying this online? but I've said much worse I guess, so here it goes.
I have very limited time, but basically the reason I can't sleep is I have been very restless, even with the 2 melatonin pills I take every night, it does not help. I watch south park (favorite show). I still can't sleep. honestly most nights I have been pacing in my little room, sometimes going up in the hall way and pacing there too. it gets worse when I start thinking people are after me, when I start hearing Nicole and Brian (I will talk about voices later) and the many other demons I have. no, I'm not dangerous. no, I'm not trying to be edgy or "cool". I've been hearing things for just a little over 2 years now. I consider myself to be a very very kind and gentle person. I may get frustrated and tough on someone (hard truth kinda thing) but never violent. anyway, the only thing that can really help is my partner, who I will keep anonymous of all identity including gender unless I have permission from them to talk a little bit about them. I call them up and they listen and they help me. we like to fall asleep in calls together. they can't be around alll the time, and with my guardian's restrictions on my laptop time, I can't always be around either. we help each other, but I just wish I could physically feel them near me. my guardians know about them, I've talked about them for a while. they don't know we are like actually a thing. i dont talk about my relationships that much. im not a very open person either, depending on trust levels and how much we talk and have known each other and blah blah blah, that kind of deal. not saying i dont trust them. sorry, i kinda went on there. that is a thing i do because of how much i keep to myself and my thoughts.. i just like to talk to people, i dont know how to keep up an appropiate conversation easily. i wanna show people who i am, that im not that introverted kid that sits in the back, i want to show them i have a heart and soul and thoughts and human qualities just like them. i want to show the world my light, but i am too scared. why? judgement. fear of judgement. this stemmed from how i couldnt sleep to this. this is how much i keep in. i keep in memories, pain, truth, old promises, chilling things no one my age should EVER have seen. well, my morbid curiosity leads me to disgusting places. why has the internet come to be that way? unrelated. my guardian is bothering me to get off, i guess i should end this right here. god if it wasnt for them then i would have kept on going and going on this text for HOURS and HOURS until it was daylight. i truly wouldve done that because my sleep schedule is screwed up like nothing else before. quarantine has done it, its quarantines fault, i hate the corona virus, i want to see my friends and teachers again. goodnight y'all, see you later.
hey, I'm back. I slept pretty well, it took me a while but I'm here to document some dreams. I had a few other dreams last night, but anyway, here goes nothing. so one of my ex partners who I will call Ashley to protect their privacy was in both of these. I was in my room, and I had found Ashley's laptop sitting on top of a shelf I have. I know it's not polite to do things like this, but I was curious to see what was in there. I wanted to know if she was hiding anything from me (potentially to get her back romantically?). Ashley had a lot of animations about us, when we were together, and I watched a few and it made me kinda sad in the dream. (it kinda makes me sad thinking about it now too). I accidentally changed her wallpaper and was trying to fix it and get it back to what it was, but it wasn't really working great, so I just hoped she wouldn't notice and I put it away.
next dream. I was still in my room. I don't remember what I was doing standing up, but I remember standing up and also texting her on my laptop, which I would go on my bed's level to do so (that I actually have irl too). honestly I don't remember much in this dream, but I do remember one of the texts I sent her said something like "okay dear 💙" and we were kinda showing romantic signs to each other again. I don't know if I was with my current partner in the dream too. but yeah. that's my dreams. "Ashley", if you somehow come upon this website, you know damn well I miss everything about you, I'm just too scared to talk to you.
I'll update more later.
I have 5 minutes to write this. because of my inconsistent work behaviors concerning school, every other day I have a teacher from my school come in and voice chat with me for like an hour or 2 and do stuff with me. I fucking hate it. I don't have her, she is nice, but it just stresses me out too much. at the time of writing this I haven't taken a shower in like a week. my fucking mental energy is so low but they don't really know because I don't know how to talk about it. they wouldn't do anything anyway. i just want to be left alone, okay? im done with this. im done with school. ive been doing online work for the past 2 months and it is absolute TORTURE. I KNOW SCHOOL IS ALREADY PAINFUL BUT I AM AT INTENSE STRESS LEVELS. IVE HAD BREAK DOWNS WHEN SHE IS IN THE CALL WITH ME AND SOMETIMES MY GUARDIANS WITNESS IT. THEY DONT DO ANYTHING THEY JUST IGNORE ME. 2 MINUTES LEFT I HAVE TO GET THIS OUT IM SO FUCKING STRESSED.PLEASE I WANT TO KEEP WRITING BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO DO THIS AND I DONT WANT TO I CANT DO THIS I HAVE 1 MINUTE LEFT. I JUST WANT THE STRESS AND PAIN AND EVERYTHING ELSE TO STOP. I CANT TAKE IT. I'M SCARED OF LIFE BUT I'M SCARED OF DEATH. IM NOT BEING "EDGY" I REALLY DO NEED THIS TO STOP. THE STRESS AND MEMORIES. IVE RUN OUT OF TIME GOD DAMN IT GOD DAMN IT. im sorry you guys have to see this. im sorry. you dont deserve to see me like this, i just need some place to get it out. i just need something. I'm done for. I can't keep doing school work. I am burnt out. I can't. I hear her calling me. I hate the gmail ringtone. it scares me. it stresses me out. please. get me out of this. please. they don't know what I am going through. what I have been going through in the past 4 years. I'll call her back in 2 minutes I think to myself, but I know I wont. she's still trying to call me, asking me what is going on, I WANT THEM TO REALIZE I AM MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY BURNT OUT. STOP TALKING TO ME. GO AWAY. PLEASE. please. i told her i am stressed and emotionally burnt out and that i need time to myself, i hope she doesnt call. i hope i get a break. i hope. i hope. she still wants to call me i know i know i know i have to do work but please i cant right now. i cant right now. im sorry about this really weird text i just need to get it out. I find this website to be helpful. i like coding a bit more i think. as simple as my sites are, im proud of myself for learning how to do a little bit of this kind of thing. i really like it. it's neat. teacher person tried calling me saying she's got a funny story to tell me, i know she is going to get me to do something. DONT YOU SEE. I CANT. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I WAS CRYING IN THE CALL WITH YOU A WEEK OR 2 AGO? DO YOU REALIZE HOW BURNT OUT I AM. PLEASE STOP. PLEASE. I THOUGHT I HAD A MOMENT OF PEACE.
just leave me alone.
fast forward to later, aka now. I am so sorry about that. also I miss "Ashley". I texted her today, she hasn't replied yet. please respond soon..
hey. I'm back. it's late at night I guess with the current hour being 11 PM. I still miss "Ashley". she hasn't responded all day. I miss her so bad. I can't stop thinking of our past, looking at our old texts, seeing what we had made me happy. I miss her friendship and it's all i ask for right now. I'm gonna try to get one of my other close friends that also knows "Ashley" to contact her for me so I can talk to "Ashley" about.. things. reestablishing a friendship I guess if she is ok with it. it makes me sad. oh well, sometimes in life we cant all have what we want right? love is powerful, confusing, and beautiful, but if it's in the wrong hands it's fucking deadly as the devil himself.
I have to go to bed. it's 12:50 AM at the start of writing this, I am dreading going to sleep again. last night wasnt so bad, just waking up to dreams of my ex was not fun. can't sleep at all. it sucks. only one melatonin left and I took it. it wont put me to sleep, I know it wont. god you don't know how much I dread sleep now.. I better get off and say goodnight to my friends and partner before the guardian that is home currently starts yelling at me.
fast forward to now. no I did not just wake up. I've been awake for probably about the past hour. I got some good sleep though, no mental break downs trying to sleep. that's all.
hey. thinking about making more pages, don't know of what though. one I thought could be for quotes, maybe a list of songs I like.. the usual kind of blog kind of stuff? hmmm. TITLE was going to be for something edgy but decided not to do it so it's just kind of there lol. maybe ill go for song lyrics I like or quotes? I don't know honestly. I'll figure something out.
OLD ACTIVITY AND RECENT ACTIVITY LINKS ARE GOING TO BE ADDED AND FIXED
old and new activity links have been added and fixed!
hey guys. had a weird dream about being friends with a scorpion girl and apparently I had these silver metalic looking wings and these people were after us that wanted our powers so we were constantly running away from them. kinda weird. I remember they had these white baggy suits with orange glowing circles on their upper arm/shoulder kinda area i guess and they had these long rabbit-like ears on their heads (it was just part of the suit). pretty weird. in my dreams I'm usually always the flying one, probably because of my love of flying creatures and connection to the sky. pretty neat that I get to fly in my dreams sometimes.
i feel sick. stressed. fuck. fuck. theyre putting so much pressure on me. i dont know how to express my feelings other than this, i cant express words verbally at all. i have such a hard time with it. it hurts so bad. why do you think I draw so much?
yknow what? this world is fake, not in the literal sense of reality being a simulation, but.. I don't know how to explain it. people arent who they seem to be, cover ups being made over things, love is fake, money, it's all so fake. it's not real. if something was, what would it be? (thought sometimes I do believe this is just a simulation, but that will be talked about at a later time). it's all so fake man. my mom always tells me to open my eyes, now i have to tell the rest of the world to do the same. OPEN. YOUR. EYES. look around you.
June first, huh? 2020 has gone by too fast. I count the months since it has been October.. I cannot let go of our past "Ashley". you never responded when I texted you a few days ago. I know it's your birthday soon, I hope you will reply then. I always tell myself to let go, that October is done with, that even if we did get together it would not be the same as last time and it never would be. ever since December hit, you became distant and changed. youre not the person I once knew you to be, but I hold on to October. and I know this fall is going to be very very hard for me to deal with, with all the memories and familiar sights coming back to me. I keep turning on songs that remind me of you and I just did right now and I feel like crying. I wanna be friends with you. all of the memories.. I can't let go of you. even songs I didn't listen to at the time of liking you before our relationship and after, they remind me of you. so many things remind me of you. I would do anything to go back, "Ashley." every moment.. the beginning.. the little things, the awkward things, the funniest moments, anything. I never got over you.
I don't have much time left, like I usually do last minute to get this out of my system on a website, because I have nothing better to do. I'm just fucking stressed and tired, but because I can't express my feelings well my grandparents don't give a fuck. why? I just want some peace and quiet, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to keep doing this cycle over and over again, I wish they realized what this was doing to me. I wish they were in my mind in my shoes feeling what I have to feel each and every day. I say that they don't understand, which is so stereotypical of teens to say, but it's so true. they don't get it and nobody ever will. they don't understand what fear I have to go through at night just trying to sleep or just in general. they don't know the delusions I have, they don't know any of it. they don't know. they don't know that I listen to loud music to block the negativity and find something to relate to. I can't tell them because I don't have the words for it. only my art and some of the music I listen to is a small gateway, a small sliver of what goes on in my head. it's sad and scary. monday, tuesday, wednesday and friday I work with my tutor. only one day I get to rest besides the weekend. i know life isn't fair, but that isn't fair considering how worn out mentally and emotionally i am. i wish they'd understand, let me pass this grade anyway. cant I just get a break for once? and my grandma says im not busy.. god damn it she doesn't know what I deal with. like I said, no one ever will understand unless they are me. i just want it to stop. the stress, anger, sadness, fear, delusion, everything.. god, why am I cursed? why did you make me this way? please save me, save all of us. to make things worse my tutor is trying to connect with me. god save me. and if you say im being dramatic, you dont know what I deal with on a daily basis. doing work like this is making me feel so much worse.
i dread working today. and for the rest of the week. and for the next 2 last weeks.
well, after that, I took a nice walk. I had to do it anyway for my PE class. it was nice. god I needed it..
I'm okay right now, but every time the realization of being alive hits me is so weird, you feel me? like i don't want to die, it's not like that, im actually afraid of death but im afraid of living. it's so weird. i believe in afterlife kind of stuff, that every living being (animals and plants) have souls and we reincarnate and have other lives. or we roam the earth as ghosts and look over our family, or that kind of thing. I'm not heavily religious, but I have my spiritual beliefs. it's weird knowing one day that I'll be gone, that everyone I know will be gone. and we'll be nothing but corpses or new souls. it's sad and fascinating to think about, at least for me it is. it's so weird that my physical body will die but then my soul will carry on, it will happen to everyone. I don't know if I would want to be immortal, to watch my friends and family die and not be able to go with them, at least on this earth. sorry it got dark, these are just things I think about.
I always write last minute before my tutor comes on. it fucking sucks, this week im super busy and it's stressing me out terribly. I'm trying my hardest, and yet they can't see it, and never will understand the extent of my mental and emotional struggles.
I'm actually having a decent day, the work wasn't all that bad. I feel okay for the most part.
my partner broke up with me.
I don't have anything to say today. I probably wont for a few days. sorry.
we're together again idk it's weird right now
not much to say today. did my work a few hours ago, just relaxing I guess.
had some weird dreams last night, the one I remember the most was where I was sitting on the outside of our school mini-theater, like I was still inside we just have this cool mini-theater thing in the high school. I was sitting with one of my close friends and we were just kinda crying with each other for some reason on the floor, making sure we're close to each other. damn, it just kinda made me realize how much I missed them (and our other friends), I can't wait to video call and see all of them in person when quarantine is over..
I think I'm getting over "Ashley"..
so we broke up again but it's ok we're friends there was no fight this time
thanks for 500+ views by the way :D
happy 69 :)
sorry I haven't been posting, I don't really have much to say. I'm ok though. good news that it's pretty much the end of the school year.
well, happy summer! I am on summer break now oh yeah 💕
got together with a new partner on the 18th.. things feel weird. not a bad or good weird, idk how to describe it actually.
anyway. I just feel like something is missing from myself. something feels off. something doesn't feel quite right. I'm okay right now I think, I'm not sure why I feel like this right now, but.. idk.
havent had much luck, kinda gave up and broke up with that other partner. they felt the same. they didnt wanna be leading me on as well.
listened to one of "ashley"'s songs, well more like a song i was very obsessed with cause i had a big crush on her in October and that's when we got together and that song reminds me deeply of her and it hurts and i miss her still fuck
I'm really bored. quarantine has got me fucked up. I miss going out, spending time with friends and family. it's so unfair.. I wish the world could just go back to what we know as normal..
oh shit y'all I've had this website for a month, thank you for over 600+ views btw and that means a lot to me. don't know why or how you guys came in.. pretty cool right? :)
ah. reminding myself of ashley with a song that reminds me of her. it's sadly one of my favorite songs but it's just a reminder of how much we used to talk. I try to text her but nothing seems to be working.. she just has not responded to me.. I miss her.
also I have a new page up! I will put the link here in a while. you can also be directed to it from my homepage!
sorry bout that. you can find the link here: https://small-world-peace11.neocities.org/songs.html
of course, it's still a work in progress. I'm still figuring out how to embed links and stuff. I'm getting there though!
lol i thought neocities was having a stroke or smthing when loading my song page cuz the link didnt immediately show up so i got frustrated thinking i made a coding mistake but turns out it just takes a minute lmfao
anyway im doing ok, just really sad and bored.
ok so i actually feel really sad for my past self just a few months ago cause with school man i was fucking depressed and stressed as hell and now im kinda vibing. like ive been depressed for years but it's turning into other shit as well. im kinda feeling better and i dont wanna get into it just now but yeah. i am so sorry for anyone who had to read that bullshit in the beginning of my website.
also I'm kinda thinking about making another page.. I think it would be cool. I'm not entirely sure what it would be yet. probably some edgy shit. dunno, it would be cool to learn more HTML codes.
rain drops. they're like memories. in those moments you think it lasts forever, but just like the drop of rain it disappears quickly before your eyes. it's a subtle reminder of what was, and perhaps of what never will be. memories come and go, moments flashing before your eyes like rain in a second, maybe even less than that. a sad reminder. a happy reminder. a painful reminder. a close friend suddenly gone in less than a blink of an eye. while your eyes are still open they are there one second and then they are gone before you can blink. and you ask to yourself why and how it happened, but it is just the ways of life, it is the cycle of neverending memories, forgotten or not. they come back to you in the form of rain. you have to cherish it while it lasts, because you may be oblivious to what happens next.
ayy july 4th again 💙
anyway, I've been playing the revamped version of LSD Dream Emulator. it's really inspiring me to make something similar. maybe not a game but perhaps interactive web comic or animation? if you havent heard of it do check it out. it's so cool.
actually speaking of that, I just remembered I was thinking about making an experimental page.. it would be full of wacky shit lol. idk, I just like random things. it's cool. I like unsettling things and a lot of other stuff.
ok but the thing is that when you find someone that is a "savior figure" or something when you're in a bad place in life it can actually be life saving. it's happened to me a few times but the thing is they all leave. so what do you do now? it's almost dangerous to have a "savior figure" in the end because what if one day they're suddenly not in your life anymore?
i have ideas and big things planned
just been playing LSD dream emulator tbh. not a lot has happened.
for some reason i had a moment that i forgot i updated my site a few hours ago lol
"oh the sweet dark anger-filled past comes back to me once more, its embrace is endless ❤ "
just thought that sounded cool/sad I guess haha. this evening hasn't been great.
doing better today dw :)
hey sorry. the evening has been a little rough but I am ok.
not to flex but I just ordered the Mr.Kitty CD I've been wanting for a loong time. he's one of my favorite music artists. AND IT'S SIGNED!!!
900 views? y'all are crazy haha
ashley replied. and we're gonna be friends again and i just feel so happy right now im gonna cry holy fuck
idk what to talk about just saying hi i guess and apologizing for constant mental break downs i have sometimes lol
fucking crazy almost 1,000 views in almost 2 months.
wtf 1,000+ views in 2 months. lmaoo what is so interesting about my site? haha anyways.. today marks 2 months of this site being in existence. as simple as it is, I think it's cool. I'm proud of myself for learning the very basic coding skills to be able to do this.
im so bored that my boredom is bored. fuck.
4 months of 2020!! finally.
savior figures are stupid. they might have saved you in some way or another, but they could always leave in a blink of an eye. the person I'm thinking of (the girl i have named ashley here) saved me when we met, and then she left, and she's taught me that savior figures are stupid cause they leave. they're not worth it. they're not worth destroying yourself over. :/
do you ever have something return to you after months? after you wanted to forget?
shit sucks. life is gonna get worse. expect more mental break down posts or just week (or month) long hiatuses.
hi. I'm fucking bored. might change up my site a bit tbh. but idk yet.
wow transphobic dad and step mom time! good thing i dont live with them. disgusting.
does anyone else have shooting dreams? it's so weird and sad. it really is. I just had one again last night, I think my 2nd one. my dreams arent always feeling like they're real, sometimes, most of the time. it's terrifying.
things arent getting better.
that feeling when u know someone is making empty promises
when life is fucking you up lol i mean i dont need help at all. :/ therapy is boring and meds are useless. never been on them but my guardians dont want me on them anyway so it's fine.
also im doing ok im just feeling fucked.
huh ok so i drew this really cool vent art at like 3 AM right. yeah it was cool. it has to do with me being the EMPTY GØD, which is my own idea or like thing idk lol anyways it's like how im the embodiment of wrath, pain, torture and how im invisible and that it's who i am. pretty fucking edgy!!!! wooow edge lord right over here ahaha. niceeee.
I was just thinking again so I thought I'd put it here. there have been only maybe 2 or 3 true people that have made me feel true love. do I feel something for them? well. one of them I was with for almost 2 years, and I don't feel anything for them anymore cause we had a lot of drama and shit last year. we made up over a period of time and we're on good terms now but it just fucking sucks. the second person im thinking of.. well, we were only together for a few months but we're still friends. we still love each other a lot, just not romantically. then ashley. god fucking damn it, it always comes back to her doesnt it? she saved my life, she brought so much.. i dont know why she isnt talking to me when she said she would. is this why im still fucked up over her?
i am good and bad, i am life and death, black and white. balance. but when you become unbalanced, where are you thinking you will stand again? you don't know.
when leaving my signatures here, to let you know I was here, I may use < G A T E W A Y > or < X > . thanks!
when i mean there i mean like.. on guestbooks or something or whatever u guys have on ur sites lol i wanna be more interactive.
also I'm probably gonna be adding an about me page because I'm bored as hell.
i also wanna change my websites whole name bc it just doesnt fit lol but whatever it's fine ill deal with it or make a completely different website.
OK ANYWAYS I HAVE A GUEST BOOK AND ILL BE ADDING AN ABOUT ME. they will be on my home page. you arent obligated to check it out but it would be appreciated. thank you!
officially have a guestbook and about me page. :)
listening to hollywood undead and a few other artists make me wanna burn shit down and do crazy shit. i wanna release my energy on dumb shit. lol
life is so weird. the internet is crazy. you find shit you would never even imagine finding, isn't it funny? going through some strange rabbit holes here on neocities. very.. interesting ones.
thinking about removing my old shit from may because it was an embarrassing sad mental break down. also this is becoming less and less personal but oh boy as the days progress, soon enough it probably will become a shit show again! because fucking school! yaaayy. lovely.
if you guys wanna email me please do at firstname.lastname@example.org
it's not my main email, and I might forget about it, but I would appreciate if I had some new friends to talk to.
I had a thought. the most morbid method of torture in killing a poor soul is by leaving them to live. think about it.
honestly this sites layout is so fucking boring i wanna change it but i barely know anything about coding lol
gonna change my sites name soon. to what it is.. idk yet.
first off. yes, I have been driven to madness. or insanity. or whatever you'd like to call it. I've been driven to that so many times. broken beyond you could ever think. beyond my limit is an endless pit, a void of dark water that endlessly drowns me. it has been growing worse and worse over the past few years. to think that this world is a simulation, to think that everyone i meet is going to hurt me. to wonder if this world is even real anymore. to wonder if i should even live in it, whatever "living" means anymore. what is this world, what is it? is it real? am i real, are you real? nothing feels real anymore. why? why is it that I deserve so much pain. what did I do wrong? I'm trying to be a good person, but it's like the universe knows something deeper about me that I don't. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs, hard enough to hurt my throat and make it burn. I wanna feel my own blood running down my hands and arms as I light shit on fire, making it a living hell, whatever I am doing. I wanna burn my chains. I wanna completely get it out. I wanna lose my breathe so much I collapse to the floor laughing with blood and fire everywhere. I wanna lose my fucking shit. I wanna let go. I wanna be free.
I would love to do that right now. let go and be free as I bleed with fire surrounding me and I'm laughing on the floor trying to escape the hell I've created. but I don't exactly want to go of the hell. I want to breathe in the flames with my throbbing arms crying out and let my screams be unheard.
I just wanna let go.
i swear i was going to write something here but i completely forgot lol fuck
oh wait nevermind.
I'm invisible and in the back of my class because not everyone deserves my wisdom and the truth.
I am a being of kindness and light but when that balance is destroyed you don't want to know what goes through my mind.
thinking about starting a new website with better features and more details and what not. I like this one, it's just.. not what I have in mind now.
anyways! I'm gonna decorate a little bit! expect things to be changed up slightly.
feeling dead. lonely. heartbroken. whatever.
tired. cant wait to go to bed.
I had another nightmare. it's early in the morning (for me at least) and fuck. fuck. I'm so glad to be alive right now.
life is so beautiful and delicate and it's such a shame we cannot stay in the moment with it sometimes.
also gonna fix the fuckin chain link gifs later. (or not idk what happened)
woke up and I wanna go back to sleep
as the months of quarantine go on and on, I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm trapped here in fear. I'm trapped here because we have to be trapped here. I feel trapped in my mind because I am. it hurts, everything hurts, I want to see people I want to hear the birds I want to see the clouds and sky and the stars and their sparkling eyes. I wanna see the world. I wanna go out. I don't wanna lash out. I wanna see my friends. I wanna see all of them.
8/27/20 is coming up. wonder if anything will happen. I have an odd good feeling about it though. I truly do. is that just me? hope not. idk there just hasnt been a lot of good things in 2020 so far and I really do believe this whole august 27th thing is real.
this is the part of the night where I get really fucked up for some reason and start breaking down
today is the day and I definitely feel a positive change
kind of ok for once
why the fuck is my website still getting views. also, we're getting a storm, so I'm preparing to lose my wifi. :/
didnt lose wifi so far. no tornado either. tornado warning? yes.. a shit ton of them. it's also cold as fuck and i hear thunder. ill survive though lol
also i really wanna lowkey get into some really deep shit because i know others here on this platform have as well. im just scared imma get fuckin attacked or DMed every 2 minutes about my dumb intrusive thoughts. like y'all need to chill out.
just realized my about page looked similar to someone elses without even thinking about it, just did some searching around and bam. oh well, is anyone in this world truly original?
might as well make another page or whole new website to really express myself without fear. cause most of this shit here is mostly random thoughts, not the true deep stuff I really wanna get into. wanna express myself in more complete detail. it will seem to be nonsense to others but to me it makes sense in the most weird ways.
might make a new website completely. sometimes I get strange emotional connections to odd little details in my life and then I wanna keep it. not really feeling it with this website. wanna make something more personal. but we'll see. it just depends on my motivation. and to be fair, I have extremely basic knowledge of how to make a website. it's why I haven't bothered to decorate this one much. I'm fucking stupid. it's ok I guess.
I don't like being seen as an insensitive bitch when I'm not. or just being seen as a bad person in general. we all have things we have to work on. it's not like you haven't done something you regret. I'm trying to change for the better, why can't you see that?
yeah thinking about making another website. don't wanna have to deal with redoing all of the code on this site. also just wanna leave it behind for memories. but it's still a thought.
yeep new website time. probably gonna be even more fucked up than this one. it's gonna be a fun time. Imma manage both websites, probably leaving this one in the past though. see you soon!
check it out. I have the basics set up. just copy and paste it, I'm too lazy to make a direct link to it.
pretty much what is happening is that this site is more of a general thoughts and shit while my other site is gonna be more personal and dark. i just need 2 separate places for 2 separate things, it's just how I work. of course, I may go back and forth, but still. they exist for a reason and that is that.
hi i dont know what to say but i am really tired and im scared to go back to school. I go back on the 31st.
well I am happy to have both sites up. I am just focusing on my new one. so I may not be active on this one that much. I don't plan new pages on here, probably just gonna update this one every now and then. who knows what the future will bring.
hi it's 3 AM and i cant sleep.
just thank you for nearly 2,000 views, I really wasn't expecting it! 💞 god this website is full of bullshit hahaha what is so interesting?! whatever y'all, whatever.. I appreciate it a lot though. I really do.
go homeold activity